


Degausser

by strangelighting



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, titles that make no sense and have nothing to do with the story
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-19
Updated: 2015-04-19
Packaged: 2018-03-22 19:15:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3740470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strangelighting/pseuds/strangelighting
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sasaki Haise can't hide behind his masks for much longer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Degausser

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place some time after the auction arc, assumes everyone returns safely. Sasaki's hair is completely reverted to white by this time.  
> It's named after Brand New's song "Degausser" which really fits Kaneki for me.

The God of Death danced in the twilight. His blade carved through the air to claim the lives it touched. A curtain of red fell to the ground in its wake. Not a single drop the white coat or his white hair. Not a single misstep. A God of Death, could not belong to the same world as the living.

Sasaki Haise came to a standstill. Around him the bodies of almost ten ghouls. Aogiri? No, these were just lowly street ghouls – they may have had allegiances but they meant little in the greater scheme of things.

“You okay Sassan?” Shirazu Ginshi had finally caught up with him “You don’t normally kill when you can help it. These ghouls were just small fry.”

This was true. Though he may have Gold Osmanthus award may have been awarded for the multitude of ghouls he’d taken down in his career, Sasaki Haise did not kill when he had the choice. But while Sasaki Haise could have easily spared their lives, a God of Death took without discrimination.

_Aren’t we the same then? We’re both murderers._

Ah. So _he_ was back. Good thing Shirazu was here to distract him then.

“ _Small fry,_ huh? Are you sure you’re not just getting too cocky, squad leader? ” He grinned. “Besides, we’re too close to populated civilian areas to risk it.”

_So you’re wearing another mask, huh? Does it make it easier to kill if you pretend it’s not really you?_

So he was feeling persistent today, was he?

Although Shirazu didn’t look particularly convinced by his explanation, he wasn’t too worried - since the incident with Serpent he had been faithful to Sasaki’s leadership with an almost reverent loyalty. Sasaki turned to him with a smile. “C’mon, we’re late - Saiko will probably be considering doing the cooking herself right about now.”

Shirazu shuddered. “Tooru wouldn’t let that happen.” But he dropped the topic and followed Sasaki at a brisk pace back to the chateau.

 

“How are things with Urie?” Perhaps it was a sign of how desperate he was to divert Shirazu’s attention that he brought up the Urie situation. “You haven’t mentioned how things were going in your recent reports.”

“I heard him mumbling in his sleep last night. Something about his ‘promotion-kun.’”

Sasaki laughed easily. Though, to be honest, it was hard to tell if Shirazu was joking. “Still the same Urie then.”

“I thought he might at least _try_ to change after what happened.”

Following the events at the auction, Haise had tried taking a different approach with Urie. He tried tightening his leash on him, forcing him to participate in all group-training sessions and spend his time working in conjunction with the other quinxes. And as usual, while Urie had bowed to his superior’s orders to his face, his true thoughts told a different tale. He trained alone, worked alone at any point he wasn’t directly ordered not to, and still sabotaged the team and its members if it would help him pursue his own goals. He had tried threats, but they both knew Sasaki would not seriously hurt him.

And so nothing changed. He followed Sasaki’s orders, but still acted on his own accord only with what he thought would help immediately further his own career.

So Sasaki had stopped trying.

“If I intervene, he’ll blame me when again when he doesn’t get his way. He needs to learn that he’s the source of his problems.” He tried to explain his reasoning to Shirazu.

“I get what you’re doing, Sassan, but are you sure he’s going to figure it out in time? Before it’s too late?”

“I won’t let that happen. I’m responsible for you guys, remember? I won’t let you be consumed by your powers.”

“Right. I trust you.” His words rung hollow.

***

 

Haise was in the kitchen making his coffee after a futile attempt at sleep. The voice hadn’t spoken again since the earlier evening, but Haise still felt its presence, an apparition lingering in the air. It wasn’t like the voice ever _left_ – it was a part of him as much as his kagune or kakugan was – but it had never invaded his waking thoughts to this degree. He could barely rest his eyes for a second.

“I’m not you… I couldn’t do what you did.” He realised then that he’d spoken aloud.

 _What I did? What did I do, Haise?_ He could feel cold breath creeping near his ear.

He wasn’t like him, not a murderer.

No, he could never, ever do what _he_ had done.

 _Tell me what I did, Haise._ A hand ghosted over his neck. The voice only ever materialised behind him, reaching out from where he could not see.

“Shut up.” He grit his teeth.

“Maman? Who are you talking to?”

Shit. Saiko was awake. Of course her sharp hearing would have picked up the sounds.

“Was I speaking aloud? Sorry, I was just trying to make a list of what we’re out of for my next trip for groceries.”

It had taken him a moment too long to collect himself

“Maman, you’ve been weird lately.” _I’m worried,_ her expression said.

“You’ve been watching too much weird anime.” He attempted to laugh her off. “It’s making you too suspicious.” It was a lame attempt of an excuse, and they both knew it. She could feel it. He was pushing her away.

Her gaze did not waver. He looked away. “Get back to bed Saiko. I’m not letting you off training tomorrow morning.”

To his surprise, she made no attempt to argue. “Okay.”

An earlier night, he might have made her a cup of coffee for herself. They might have just talked for a while. Hell, she might have talked him into playing one of her video games. In exchange, he might have tried to shift her reading choices into something with a little more literary merit.

He sighed. “Come over here, I’ll fix your hair.”

“I’m going to bed, it’ll just get messy again.” She sat down on the chair in front of him regardless.

“Maman… I know there’s not much I can do but if there was something I could do to help…”

He wondered why her words felt so much like a goodbye.

 

***

_We both know you can’t run from me forever._

“Stop it.” He growled.

 _You were right. We_ are _different – I don’t run from what I am. What I did._

It was really getting _annoying_. He’d suffered through his second sleepless night and tried to wear himself down with both his own training and the quinxes’, but nothing helped. _His_ presence permutated the very atmosphere. As if he was inching closer to taking corporeal form.

 _Just accept me, Haise._ His voice was closer now, much too close, like something trying to crawl into his ear -

Haise was completely blind sighted by the searing pain that hit him. It was scratching, clawing, piercing, and eating away at his very mind. He was barely aware of his legs giving up on him, his hands scrabbling at his ears trying to find the source. For a brief delirious moment, he wondered if the voice really had taken worldly form and stabbed him through his ears. He just wanted it out, wanted it gone.

He could smell his own blood now, feel it running down the side of his face, and on his fingertips-

Oh. Right. He’d just done that to himself.

“Sasaki!” He looked up, relief flooding through his veins at the sight of Mutsuki – something tangible and irrefutably _real_ to hold onto. He was suddenly aware that he was crumpled on floor and clutching the side of his head. “I-I’ll get Akira!”

“No.” The word came out as a growl before he could catch himself. “I’m fine Mutsuki. Just drank a bit too much yesterday-”

“You didn’t drink anything. You can’t even get drunk from alcohol, _remember_?”

Ah, that _was_ true, but the pounding in his head was surely close enough to a hangover, right? Either way, it didn’t help ease the look on Mutsuki’s face.

He stepped closer.  Haise could no longer hide the bloody side of his head. “Sasaki, you are hurt!”

Mutsuki was over reacting, with his healing powers the injury would be healed in moments, if it hadn’t already. The blood just looked bad. Head wounds always bled profusely, right? He tried to explain this, but no sound came out of his mouth.

Mutsuki was saying something now too, but Haise couldn’t hear him. Maybe the injury was more severe than he had previously thought, if it had damaged his ear that badly. He would have thought that his other ear would still be functioning though. And then there was the roaring noise in his ears – it was _really_ getting hard to concentrate with that drowning out his own thoughts.

Mutsuki shot him a scared look and ran out of the room. He was left alone, staring at the blood coating his hands.

_All the perfumes of Arabia wouldn’t sweeten that hand._

Sasaki felt a laugh escape his mouth at the words. It wouldn’t need to. He was a ghoul; there was nothing sweeter than blood.

_It’s over now. Just accept me._

“No. I won’t let you take me.” The words left his mouth but there was no drive left in them.

_You know there’s no point running any longer. Accept me._

“I can’t.” He found himself saying, voice wavering. “I just _can’t.”_

“Accept me, Kaneki.”

At _that voice_ Sasaki Haise finally turned around.

 

The man in front of Sasaki Haise was not the masked abomination of his visions. He was completely and utterly human. Wearing casual clothing and a soft grin. Head crowned with bright golden hair.

Hide. His best friend.

“So you remember me, Kaneki?”

 

He remembered. He remembered in flashes of memories, of screams and centipedes. If it weren’t for the fact all his senses had been consumed, he might have been aware of the fact he was screaming. He remembered checkerboards and corpses disguised as flowers.

But mostly he remembered the honey. He could hear it drip. Taste it. So sweet. Even now, the taste lingered just at the tip of his tongue. He hadn’t been able to stop himself from devouring it. He had selfishly taken it for himself.

And so, the God of Death had passed his judgement. He had been given his punishment. The quinque had pierced through he head to drive out the darkness that resided there. His story should have ended there.

A God of Death took without discrimination, so why had his life been spared?

Why was he allowed to live when Hide could not?

“I’m sorry!” He sobbed. “Hide, I’m so, so sorry.”

The figure before him did not say a word.

“Wait, please!”

But the figure was already turning away.

“I’m sorry!” _Forgive me,_ he wanted to ask, but could not speak the words. He had killed him. He had murdered his best friend. His best friend, who had done nothing to deserve his fate, had done nothing but support something as pathetic as him.

He deserved no-one’s forgiveness.

“I’m sorry! I couldn’t – I didn’t – I…”

It was too late.

Hideyoshi Nagachika was gone forever.

Kaneki Ken accepted his fate.

**Author's Note:**

> Any feedback is really appreciated!  
> The ending's kind of rushed, but it's the best I could manage right now - I might edit it later.  
> The “Hide” at the end is purely in his head,  
> Hide is not necessarily dead, Kaneki just thinks he ate him. He might have. He might not have. I (probably) won’t add another chapter to this, but I’ll admit it was tempting to write a Kaneki and Hide reunite and live happily ever after epilogue.  
> I'm on tumblr at centipedekun.tumblr.com


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